On "Having it all"

"Having it all" is a common topic of discussion these days around my professional circle, specifically whether you can or cannot achieve that nirvana of having your cake and eating it too. A year ago, you may have found me to be one of those obnoxious people that were telling you that I did somehow manage to have it all. Now, I would have been honest with you and myself, acknowledging that a fair amount of luck and just being in the right place had gotten me to that point. But, regardless of how I got there, I was there! I had it all! A great husband. An adorable 2 year old and a sweet, squishy newborn. The perfect house in the perfect town with the perfect school system. What else could I want for?

Then my maternity leave was up. I headed back to work. I was actually excited to get back, put my brain back to work again. But during the time I was out, something had changed. Not with work. Work was the same litany of meetings and work drama and decisions. Whereas, before I enjoyed the challenge and the new ideas, now it all seemed as silly as a pretend tea party, except not nearly as cute.



I recently heard an interview with Deborah Spar on NPR. Ms. Spar comes down pretty clearly on the "can't have it all" side of the equation. In the interview, she goes through talking about the challenges that women still face and how feminism isn't something to be left in the past--it's something that we need to still keep active. Surprisingly, though, the biggest thing I remember from the interview was her observation that women were still opting out, but often it was after their second children, not the first. What is it about the second child that changes a woman's perception on her role? I'm not sure, but at least I am in good company.

It's been almost a year since I went back, and things haven't been the same. Work is still work, and it's still there, and I'm happy to say my performance hasn't suffered, though my morale has. But now those 2 kids? I miss them more when I'm not with them. This perfect house? It's a gilded cage that I don't want to leave, but one we can't afford without my salary. And, really, at the base of it, I don't want to be a stay-at-home-mother. That's not my calling.

What I think I need is a little more balance. And that's what I'm going to work to achieve. Somehow. And I'm going to use this blog to help me figure out how to get there.