Femininity in the workplace

Early in my career, I wouldn't wear skirts to work. I was young, pretty, and skirts made me feel very vulnerable. I was afraid that wearing a skirt would cause someone to confuse me for a secretary, that it would somehow make me marginalized. I didn't want to be a good female worker; I just wanted to be a good worker.

I've relaxed my dress a bit with age. I do wear skirts and dresses in the office much more often, but I still am very careful about what I say and do. Just today on a call, I found myself apologizing for some criticism. When the person (male) to laughed and asked why I was apologizing (as the criticism was well-founded), I said, "You're right. I shouldn't do that. Women tend to over-apologize. I need to own my words."



I find it's a fine line to walk. I'm a hard-hitter at work. I need to get things done. I push people. I enjoy conflict--I fully believe that omelettes are worth making, even if you need to break a dozen eggs to get there. But at home I can't be that way. Have you ever tried to push a 3 year old? They stand their ground. Conflict at home is seldom as productive as conflict at work.

So to make sure that I don't try to over-strategize my kids or coddle my colleagues, I build walls. I am hard at work and soft at home. It's tiring, sometimes, having these dual personalities. And I'm confused how to act in that moment where I'm with my kids but my boss is on the phone. Or when I am at the office but my husband is on the phone. Am I hard? Am I soft? Can I be 2 people at exactly the same moment?

Of course, we all have different personalities, depending on who we are with or what our goals are, but how can you nurture two sides of yourself that seem so diametrically opposed? It's the working woman's equivalent of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. Maybe my location can be discerned, but my identity will always be in question.